Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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