I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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