we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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