By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
