Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You smell like stripper and shame
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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