I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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