Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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