Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
