my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
