I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
