his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
