so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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