I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
