Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
