i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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