No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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