You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
tell me about the eggs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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