you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
