she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just cropdusted the office
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
