nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
