someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
