I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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