Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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