I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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