Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
