just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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