Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
