my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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