Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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