I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
