so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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