I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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