I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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