mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
