is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
