I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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