did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
well you can't waste a boner
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My vagina just recognized that song.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
