Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
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have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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