There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
