After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
