FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
