It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
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I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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