she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
