You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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