You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
