May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
