I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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