so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
