So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
