the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
