I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
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