i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
