I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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